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I need your coaching to make sure I’m moving in the right direction.
I’ve read several of your columns and your book twice so far. I was introduced to Leslie by a mutual friend. We all attend the same church. She’s 38, never been married and has no kids. I’m 39 and divorced with a young daughter. Leslie’s not my first choice in a woman, but I decided to take the chance and get back in the dating game. I got her phone number and set a date for the following week.
The date went well in my eyes as we walked the park and ended up at a bar. I received a text a few days later on saying she wanted to see me again when she got back from a business trip. A few hours later I called her to set up a date for the next week. (I called her before she left.) My idea was to take her out for ice cream, but before I finished telling her the details, she said the day I selected wasn’t a good one because it was a holiday. (She didn’t say she had anything planned for that day, by the way.) It slipped my mind that it was a holiday, so I opted for another day and she said she had dance practice and didn’t give me any counteroffer. I told her it was my only open day and it really was. This didn’t change Leslie’s mind, and she told me to get it together and keep working on it. My only response was “Wow.” I had nothing else to say, so I decided to let her go, but she wanted to keep talking. Luckily, another call came in so I had to get off. I chose not to call her back.
Later in the week our mutual friend called me and told me, “You need to take Leslie somewhere nice,” and ordered me to call her back and give her another chance. I didn’t follow through because in my mind Leslie was saying in Womanese that she wasn’t going anywhere with me unless I spent a certain amount of money on her or took her to dinner. That’s not a problem for me at all, but I just want to make sure she has interest in me. While I’ve decided not to call her, she continues to text me and I have yet to respond.
Doc, am I being cheap? And am I on the right track?
Lamont – who needs brushing up
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Now let’s take a look at what you have in Leslie. She’s 38 years young and not one guy has been able to catch her yet. Don’t get me wrong, I’m against divorce, but this woman is closing in on 40 and she’s still not married. And if she hits 40 and still isn’t married, the odds of her getting hitched are less than 5%. Now think about that, Lamont. Why isn’t she married at the age of 38? Is it telling you something about her?
What you should have done instead of calling Leslie immediately was tell her to call you when she got back from her business trip and then you’d go out. But you jumped the gun. Like most guys out there, you insisted on rushing in. That said, you should have known it was a holiday that you were asking her out for. You didn’t pay attention to your details. “The System” is a manual of fine details. So in essence you asked to get rejected on that holiday. Leslie might not have had anything else planned, but that’s beside the point. She didn’t COUNTEROFFER another day. To you Psych majors, if a woman doesn’t counteroffer, she’s NOT interested in you. And you NEVER ask a woman out twice in a row, which is what you did by immediately suggesting another day. Now the reason you don’t understand this is because you only read my book twice. Guy, you don’t go on and on and on throwing out different days until she says yes. Like my cousin General Love says, “If you beg, you weaken your position.” You ask her once for one specific day. If she can’t make it, she has to counteroffer a specific day.
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But Leslie told you to get it together and keep working on it. What this indicates to me is that Leslie is STRUCTURED. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “She should actually be a Marine Corps drill instructor.” I don’t like her rigid attitude. She orders you to get it together and then doesn’t counteroffer when you ask her out. Does that sound loving to you? Lamont, she’s OUT. She has to be out.
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So now your mutual friend is doing Leslie’s dirty work for her, ordering you to take her out and spend some money on her. This is another reason NOT to ask Leslie out. And you hit it right on the head, pal – she was saying in Womanese that you have to spend a certain amount of money on her. Hey, if she’s so interested in you, why doesn’t she take you out instead and spend some money on you? And you’re right. You have to make sure Leslie has interest in you. You’re learning, dude.
There’s no reason for you to respond to this woman. You don’t owe her or your mutual friend anything. No, you’re not being cheap, Lamont, and you certainly are on the right track.
Remember, guys: when she starts giving you orders, it’s time to cut her loose.by