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I have a really serious, very complicated situation. I’m married and the father of two kids. A few years ago I moved from Russia to Malta to work at as a waiter in a restaurant. That’s where I met Mirka, who was from Bulgaria, and also came to work there as a waitress. She has a boyfriend and is the mother of one child. Anyway, we started talking and getting together outside the restaurant. We had a great time together. (I know — everything is nice in the beginning). Before I knew it, we were having an affair.
Mirka is still living with her boyfriend. I was still having an intimate relationship with her when my wife and kids came to Malta. Of course I started living with my wife then, but I kept meeting Mirka. Somehow my wife suspected that I had a lover, and she was right. One day I had an argument with Mirka, and she stormed over to my house and wanted to tell everything about our affair to my wife. I had no idea how to stop her, so I called my boss over to solve the problem because I knew he had an interest in Mirka. That’s how I prevented her from spilling the beans to my wife.
Afterwards I decided to tell my wife about Mirka after all, and arranged for them to meet and talk and it has almost ruined my marriage. Doc, now I want to ruin Mirka’s relationship with her boyfriend by telling him everything that happened between us. I saved my chat history and videos of us together as evidence. I need you to show me the way here and the best way to do it. Mirka is now flirting with my boss, and all she does is put me down when other people are around. She deserves my revenge, since I’m going to lose my job because my boss isn’t smart enough to understand the kind of head games Mirka is playing. Please coach me.
Nicolai – who wants revenge
You’re actually the first guy who’s complimented me on understanding men. It’s true that I understand women, but I also understand men and their massive egos, and that once their Interest Level climbs up into the 90s, they can’t see straight.
The most enormous blunder you committed was getting involved in an adulterous affair. Nicolai, there are children involved here, and you don’t seem to grasp that or you don’t care. You’re being extremely selfish, and “The System” is a pro-marriage program. It’s not a program that teaches guys how to sneak around on their wives and commit adultery. What you did was dead wrong, and you shouldn’t have done it. Again, it’s incredibly self-centered, especially because it’s going to end up messing up your innocent kids.
Now let me ask you this: when your wife arrived in Malta and you went on sneaking meetings with Mirka, didn’t you think you were going to get caught? You’re really naïve, Nicolai!
And why are you hurting your wife? Your wife hasn’t done anything harmful to you. Again, your actions are only going to end up destroying your children. This is just flat-out horrible behavior on your part, Nicolai. I can’t condone any of what you’re doing. It has nothing whatsoever to do with “The System.”
And what was the upshot of all this sleazy activity? Mirka decided that she wanted to come to your house and spill everything to your wife! So now you’ve got a nutcase on your hands. To boot, you insisted on bringing your boss into your love life. Hello? Are you sure you read my book? It sure doesn’t sound like it!
Then you made the brilliant decision to tell your wife about Mirka after all. Oh yeah, that’s really going to raise your wife’s Interest Level in you! To you Psych majors, when you tell your wife that you’re having an affair with another woman, do you really think she’s going to say “Oh, you’re having an affair behind my back? I forgive you! Thanks for being so open and honest, dear! And I won’t harbor any resentment against you later – I promise!” That’s what some other love doctors will advise you to do nowadays, but not me!
I got news for you, pal – your marriage was already ruined when you started messing around with a woman who had a boyfriend when you were already married. You have to learn how to take responsibility for your actions, Nicolai!
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Now you want to tell Mirka’s boyfriend everything the two of you were up to. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “Revenge is stupidity.” Especially when you’re messing with Mirka’s boyfriend! What if he decides he wants to come to your house and beat you up? Or meet with your wife? You’ll just end up making this entire morass worse if you do something like that. You knew that Mirka was taken and that you were married in the first place, so anything you do now will only make this mess even stickier.
You want my coaching? Walk away and forget the whole thing. Apologize to your wife and be loyal to her. That’s what you have to do. You have to quit being so selfish. Any vengeful action you take now is only going to screw up Mirka’s kid and your kids even more.
Now you’re complaining that Mirka is flirting with your boss. Hey man, you’re the one who set that up by directly involving him in your affairs. You were the one who called him and asked him to intervene in your crisis. What did you think was going to happen? It was stupid of you to do that. All this mess that you’re trying to blame on Mirka was created by you. You were the one who cheated with her and you were the one who complicated it further by involving your boss. It’s not Mirka’s fault. It’s not your wife’s fault. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. You’re the problem.
Don’t worry about how dumb your boss is, Nicolai. You’re not the president of a corporation – you’re a waiter. And there aren’t that many restaurants in Malta, so try to hold on to your job. If you don’t, you won’t be able to pay alimony and child support.
Remember, guys: when a woman outsmarts you, it’s a waste of time to try to get back at her.
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