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I’ve recently been struck with the worst feeling in the world, the feeling of heartbreak.
Ashley and I were together for two and a half months, but before we got together we were really close friends. I got to know her for seven months before asking her to be my girlfriend, and I was surprised by the fact that she said yes, because I would have thought she wasn’t ready. But just a month later she told me she really didn’t think she was ready for a relationship, she didn’t like herself, and she didn’t want to continue because she was afraid of hurting me.
I convinced Ashley that we just needed to let time pass and that she would feel better, but another month and a half went by, and she told me she really didn’t want to be in a relationship because of those same reasons and because there’s a lot going on in her life such as family problems and stress from college. So she broke up with me because she said she felt that it was better for the both of us and that she needed to do this for her. She said she still has feelings for me, and I also have feelings for her.
So, do I wait for her to resolve her problems? We are still close friends, I was her first boyfriend, and she was my first girlfriend. But we are both adults. I don’t know why Ashley thinks breaking up with me will help her. If we were both happy, and she had problems that she was trying to deal with, was it reasonable to cut out her happiness, which was our relationship? I told Ashley I would wait for her, but she said it’s selfish of her to agree to it. But I really do love her and we have such a great connection. She seems to think that if I wait, she will end up disappointing me somehow, but she doesn’t say that we can’t be together in the future, she just doesn’t want me waiting.
Frankly, I don’t want to go out and see other people. I’m not ready to get my heart broken again, and I would rather wait for Ashley to resolve her problems and be with me again. But Doc, is all of this just silly, and am I being a fool? We never fought or argued and we had a healthy relationship. I think that if Ashley didn’t doubt herself we would live a happy life together. Should I wait for her?
Humber – who wants to hang on
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What you really mean when you say the word heartbreak is REJECTION. Rejection is man’s most feared emotion. There’s nothing worse than going out with a woman and having her tell you out of the blue that she no longer wants to be in your company. That’s what you’re going through, my friend. But what you’re not looking at is whether you deserved to be rejected because you did things wrong that you weren’t aware of. This is what happens when you aren’t going by “The System.”
Ashley should have asked you to be her boyfriend instead of the other way around. You have everything backwards, pal. To you Psych majors, when you ask her to be your girlfriend, you don’t know whether she’s ready or not. But when she asks to be your girlfriend, you KNOW beyond any doubt that she is ready. THE KEY TO WOMEN IS PATIENCE. And you have zero of that quality, Humber. If you knew that Ashley wasn’t ready to be your girl, why did you ask her? When you know that the odds are against you, why would you take the chance of being rebuffed?
When Ashley gave you all those reasons why she wanted to break up with you, what she was really saying in Womanese was that she has low Interest Level in you. Her interest in you is somewhere between 40% and 49%, and your interest in her is somewhere between 85% and 100%.
But you tried to convince her to let some time pass. Dude, if she doesn’t have high interest in you after two and a half months of dating, she’ll never have it. In fact, she’s known you for seven months and you couldn’t sell her in all that time. And let me explain something to you, Humber: stress from college and family problems CANNOT lower Interest Level. Only you can accomplish that.
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I know you have feelings for Ashley, but the problem is that yours are 10 times higher than her feelings for you. No, you can’t wait for her to solve her problems. And what you don’t understand is that this situation has nothing to do with Ashley’s problems. What happened has to do with the way you treated her. You didn’t treat her the right way. You had seven months as her friend, you had two and a half months of dating, and you couldn’t wrap this up. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “In sales talk, you couldn’t get the order.”
Being each other’s first romantic relationship has nothing to do with anything in this mess. Trying to be friends with Ashley is a waste of time. In fact, you aren’t friends with her. She’s a friend of yours, but you still want to be her boyfriend and she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend. You have completely different agendas. Humber, you might be an adult in real life, but you’re a child when it comes to dating women. In that arena, you know nothing, absolutely zero.
Here’s why breaking up with you will help Ashley: now she won’t have to be around somebody who’s trying to kiss her all the time and who she doesn’t dig. You were happy – she wasn’t happy. There was absolutely no happiness on her part. Ashley is a classy woman for telling you that it would be selfish of her to make you wait for her. More women should get rid of guys sooner and tell them to get my book so that they would know what to do the second time around! Otherwise they’ll just go to a new girl and repeat the same mistakes and the new babe will dump him too.
Don’t fool yourself, Humber. You have no connection with Ashley. She doesn’t love you and she doesn’t connect with you at all. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “You are a thing of the past.” Ashley is just a big illusion in your mind. In reality, you don’t have a chance with her.
But you’re worried about being disappointed by Ashley. Guy, she’s already disappointed you and you don’t even know it. You don’t even realize now that you’re disappointed. So she can’t disappoint you any more in the future, because she’s already disappointing you now. And you’re grabbing at straws if you think that because she didn’t say that you can’t be together in the future you have a shot with her. YOU’RE OUT – don’t you get it?
Of course you don’t want to go out with other people. When you’re in love with one person and she can’t stand the sight of you (and she’s given you 55 hints why you’re out and you don’t pick them up and she doesn’t have the guts to say I will never, ever love you!), why would you want to? I wish more women would be so direct. Instead, they try to soften the blow and the man takes it as hope. That hope is sadly empty.
Humber, Ashley will never resolve her problems and be with you again. The trouble is that she simply doesn’t like you and she can’t come out and say that.
You are being a very, very naïve fool, Humber. Yet you persist in believing that you two had a healthy relationship. Guy, you are in love with a girl and she can’t stand you! How is that healthy?
Should you wait for Ashley? Go ahead, but how are you going to feel when she asks you to be the best man at her wedding?
Remember, guys: never try to keep someone who doesn’t want to keep you.
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